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Dear, Victor 

December 16, 2016

I don’t know who to reach out to. I have exhausted a lot of my resources on who to talk to. 

This is an open letter to my Boyfriend that committed suicide.

Dear, Victor

“Well I haven’t written you in about 5 months. I use to write you so many letters, on my break, home while you worked. I always said save them so you can always look back on them. But I guess it’s not the same. I wanted to start this letter off with apologizing but I don’t have the courage to do that anymore. 

The feeling I have every day struggling to eat and flash backs of romanticized thoughts when were no better than we tried to appear. We had so many hardships with trust, bottling up your dark passengers and using the bottle to cope. Yes in both ways I know your thinking and it’s true. 

But it’s the beauty right? You use to say we had a special kind of love, that no matter how bad things got we would go to sleep next to each other. My hours spent crying and worried because of mistakes you made I could not forget.  Would you still be alive..?

Would I be a different person if I let go of my petty and we’ll endured insecurities.

I was on the fence for the first month about if I didn’t meet you maybe you would be here. But you and I share some similar dark passengers. I wish I explained more and showed you how indifferent life was until I met you. How many times I thought about non existence was so blissful. Or maybe I would tell you the lump in my throat that I never knew was so hard and draining of my very breathe it is; to know I can’t call you. I can’t hold you or hear your voice ever again. Writing this my stomachs bubbles hard, my eyes fill and my stomach feels like a ship that’s been pulled down by a billion liters of water. 

That feeling I have is hard to relate.  
I know you were scared when you put that around your neck and I can’t picture our apartment the same. You were so tall how did you mange to even do this or not free yourself? I am left with a million and one questions not answered. 

I tried picturing it a thousand times, but everyday I get flashes of our 2 year life together. Even in the end when I was trying to leave because we were toxic but so in love and didn’t know how to leave.. I made the choice once you broke the straw. Part of me wishes I didn’t leave and that the fight we had wouldn’t have left me feeling alone.  Living 6 hours away from home.. at 21?  Tell me yoy wouldn’t be scared to leave, I had no idea my life would be taken with yours so quickly. 

When CJ called me and told me the news on October 23rd, 2016. That you left this world the day before and they found you. It was the day that I died too.

Not physically to the strangers who pass me by. Not to the Manger at the Corner store I saw grabbing snacks after work. Or even my co workers who saw this cheerful short girl just doing her job.

No one saw the death in me to the tips of my fingers…

I tried reaching out to people and I’m struggling with my first therapist I have ever met. We do not mesh well and it saddens me because I don’t want to offend her. Feeling so alone without the right tools. 

I feel like I don’t have options.  So smart yet so stupid. How do you deal living in a world where you are the gray zone when it comes to suicide?
Do you remember Victor..

I told you all about it and you and I flowed so well with our everyday life and what kind of people we were. By no means we’re we ever perfect but like I said when it’s good it’s the best I ever had, when it’s bad it’s worst it’s ever been.
I wish I could hear your laugh again one more time. And share a movie night in the living room with our cat Link. Play our silly games we used to shamelessly keep things positive. I miss the way your leg over wrapped mine and mine went between yours. The smell of you, your skin even. 

I can’t feel your touch again.

And I miss and love you.”

From: Dragon 

To: Slayer 

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The tales of November rain;

November 24, 2015

It has been a complete spiral of amazing, and hardships since I last wrote.

I look back and think wow, each month that passes I learn so much.

  • I learned to cut ties, and wash my hands with people.
  • I learned to stand up.
  • I learned to move on.
  • I learned to ask for help.

There is so much easier roots to take, regardless of set roots there is always hardships towards any path you take.

I moved for work, for freedom, for myself;

I moved for myself, for work, for freedom;

I move for freedom for myself, for work.

No matter what way it is written, they all feel equally the same reasons.

I should start this off by declaring that past post are irrelevant to my state of mind, and lifestyle. They were past and my idea’s on so much has changed.

I met an incredible guy, and I am terrified. 

I found it so hard to not pass prior relationship views onto other [newer] ones.

Now..

….  He is my everything.

I don’t feel like I ever once had. My perception has changed immensely on how someone cares for someone, how someone can make you feel.

I actually can’t describe it in the things he does, or in anything really. He just cares and I feel it. If I said I need him he would drive across the country for me. I find so much comfort and love in that. Reflection is a funny thing. This is why I started my page. Because for the very few readers that wander to it don’t know me personally, and I don’t give this site out to anyone I know.

Censoring anything specially feelings, and thoughts growing up shouldn’t be a thing you fear others will have opinions about anything. I love expressing myself and being able to come back here and reflect.

  • This is just me.

I love everything I am and evolve to.

Victor you are my world. Thank you for everyday you make me smile, for every silly thing we do together, for our communication through our hardships and let me tell you there are not many.

You’re the most realistic thing to me, because you make me feel. 

That is one of thee truest things I have been able to say.

[“One of those sayings you think of and seconds.. seconds later look back and realize how real of a statement that was.”]

You have left such an impact in me already I can’t wait to see what comes from me and you. I never could picture a realistic, happy, healthy, head over heels relationship like I can now.

If I ever had a wish, it was for you.

 

 

 

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Filters?

July 31, 2015

censored

Before you ask I already know.. I feel it in my bones, the heavy breathing, I love the idea of us because I know we shouldn’t even be a thing.. I love what I can’t have.. God and your so attractive..

What do you do when you actually are emotionally, physically, attracted to someone so much?

How do you say; I fucking like you?

You just do.

..

….

I decided and have known that fact I do not have a filter to A DEGREE, I am not asshole.

Along with No… I am just a person trying to find happiness,.

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Nevermore

September 22, 2014

A blank sleet of iron
A hand full of clay
Now structure and mold
Regardless dismay

Career is what you chosen,
And fun does follow through,
But how can you feel so empty?
When you fill yourself each due

No I am not a poet
Just a stained but on the ground
For I once had a purpose for walking
Only now it’s face down

I once thought I was a writer
But never was nevermore;
I was a girl with a pencil
Just passing the clocks roar

For now I’m in a barrack
Four walls huddle me close
I’m just a walk by, a past thought, but still nevermore.

image

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For updating;

June 5, 2014

I have found a purpose.

May, 12 2014 I joined the Royal Canadian Naval Forces.

It has changed all the negative things in my life. Along with giving me a prideful career.

I have found my purpose that I once though that could only be found in a significant other.

I have found that my want is stronger than my need.

I have found my blissful moment, that has expanded to an unwinding passion for my job, and serving our country.

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Testify;

May 21, 2014

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You will testify

all these things that crawled up

body full of shots

electric and steep

you fall to the pavement

not a word released,

 

You take your drugs

feel the dark peering in

your name

was an acquired taste

my sin

 

You played a sharp game

for 6 years input

I was the wrong jack

to your equation

you choose her,

you took

 

Not only did you take my name

not only did you take;

You broke the biggest

part of me

and so my heart you do so stake

gamblers aren’t made for long rides

they’re usually a short bang to the buck

but you were different

from every gambling taker

you took me for this Joker

You sought.

 

So you say you

“Understand my dismay,”

and

“Understand my rage .”

Darling, don’t flatter your knownledge

for you have changed me 360 ways

 

I have pulled the greatest trick of them all

but setting you up for truth

darling, my sweet prick of a flower

cut out the flower you’ve got you

 

I have pulled the greatest trick of them all

but setting you up for truth

for now your cards fall

and there is no more aces to take

go scramble yourself a ride

this ship is now long sailed away.

 

 

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The Writer of This Blog?

March 31, 2014

This folks is the current me. I don’t ever pictures but here I am.

 

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